Desire [Re]defined

On November 8, 2008, God set me on the most exciting journey that I have ever ventured into.  He has given me the honor and privilege of courting his most beautiful and wonderful daughter, Joycelyne Absolu.  From the beginning, I have struggled to find words to express the depth of emotion that I feel toward her, and how I feel every day when I hear her voice, when I see the way that she looks at me, and as I contemplate her encouraging words toward me… wow.  I feel it now just writing about it.  Joycelyne is Absolutely amazing.  But like every other word that I have ever used to describe her or this experience of courtship, I feel like that was an understatement.  Every day, I find my limited vocabulary being stretched as its words are redefined by this joyous experience.

Before I continue, I want to acknowledge that I know that my readers are probably from one of two opposite camps.  Some of you are praying this will become a sanctified version of a Danielle Steele romance novel, full of juicy details, but for those of you who fear that I might turn into mush right before your eyes, let me assure you that there is a lesson to be learned in this blog.  If you make it to the last few paragraphs, I believe that you will get a little insight on the way that your maker looks at you and desires you.

For a long time I have held this theory about relationships.  I believe that every relationship on earth exists to teach us more about God, and I believe that strong relationship with God, in its various forms and paradigms (i.e. father to son, friend to friend, or lover to lover) will help us to be stronger in our earthly relationships.  I have never known this to be more true than I do now.  I now know that when I am touched by the way that Joycelyne looks at me, I am only feeling a glimpse of what the Lover of my Soul feels when I look toward him with a look that expresses honor, esteem, worth, and desire (See Song of Songs 4:9).

In the last few days, the word “desire” has been redefined for me.  I am currently in Haiti, and communication between Joycelyne & I has been, to say the least, very inconvenient.  I left my cell phone SIM in the U.S., so now I’m borrowing my Dad’s until mine is mailed to me.  Dad had our home land-line fixed, but it has been very inconsistent, working some mornings, or some evenings, but cutting us off very often.  Joycelyne often tries to call me through an international account that I set up in the U.S., but not only is it expensive, but has also proven to be very unreliable.  So, due to all of this, and also due to unreliable electricity, Joycelyne and I had not had a real conversation for nearly a week (up until yesterday afternoon).

I was frustrated.  I checked everything that could be wrong with my internet connection in order to get the home phone working.  I could not do anything to fix it.  Joycelyne tried calling me through my International Account since it is cheaper for her to call me… but she couldn’t get through.  Last night, Dad told me about a special that Haitel has on international calls.  This morning I found out that his Haitel phone was not working.  Everything was against me.  The two-and-a-half day electric blackout was the final blow, cutting off even email.

Frustration wasn’t the only emotion that I felt as I dealt with this issue all week, nor was it the strongest.  The most prominent was a familiar one, yet much stronger than I’ve ever felt before.  It was desire.  I just wanted to hear her voice.  I just wanted to encourage her in her work.  I wanted to pray with her.  I wanted to see her smile and know that she was happy.  I wanted to see her eyes one more time.  But I couldn’t, no matter how much I wanted to.

God spoke to me one morning as I was inspecting a cable that connects us to the internet, already “knowing” in my heart that my efforts were in vain.  (I was guilty of cutting my quiet time short in order to check into this problem, hoping I could talk to Joycelyne before she went to work.)  He said to me, with a hint of jealousy in his voice, “I wish you would try this hard to connect to me when it feels impossible.  Even more than you want time with her, I want time with you.”

I was floored by the thought of it.  My head started spinning with thoughts.  I had seen a glimpse of what Joycelyne was experiencing on her end through our little conversation snippets.  She was also trying everything that she could to connect to me, and probably also wondering what I was doing to connect to her.  Did I miss her like she missed me?  Had this disconnection negatively affected the way that I feel toward her?  She had no way of knowing what I was thinking or feeling.

Have you ever felt like you can’t connect to God?  You’ve done everything that you know to do, but you just can’t get through to him.  You wonder what he’s thinking of you.  Does he miss “the good times” as much as you do?  Maybe he doesn’t even care that you are trying to get through to him.  Maybe you should just stop trying.

DON’T STOP!  I can guarantee you that God is doing all that he can to fix the lines of communication so that he can have sweet communion with you again.  He desires to hear your voice even more than you desire to be heard.  He desires to speak to you even more than you want to hear him.  We may not understand the thing that stands between us and God and what happens to make it hard to communicate with him at times, but if courtship can be likened in any way to our relationship with God, then I can guarantee you that God awaits a breakthrough in communication with deeper longing and desire than you do.  Keep pressing into him.  One day you’ll get through, satisfying your heart and His very own desire.

Maybe I should Stay…

Wow… I have so much to say about this last week and a half, but I’ll wait for a moment of peace on the plane or in the airport so I can have a chance to process it all. I still have a lot to do before bed and even more to do tomorrow morning before I fly.

But I will say this though… A couple of hours ago, I almost decided to stay. I was lost in the teary eyes of one of my little girls. She’s a very special one, one of the ones who is in great need of a father figure. She is not an orphan, but she was recently semi-adopted by a family of 7 females and one teenage boy. Boy does she need a father figure. Showing love to children comes so naturally to me that I hardly noticed that, to her, a hug from me meant more than the world. Tonight, she showed me, without words.

She was one of the first to come and give me a hug after tonight’s service, and she was also among the last to leave. She came without a word and held on tightly as I said my goodbyes to the rest of my kids. When everyone had left, she was still there holding on. When I bent down to kiss her forehead, I saw her eyes. Then without her telling me, I realized that she was not giving a goodbye hug. I tried to console her. “O cheri, n’ap gentan wè an desamb” (“Oh my dear, we’ll see each other again in December”). Then came her first words “Mwen pa dakò” (“that’s not okay with me”–rough translation). Then she gave me another long hug as I spoke to some of the adults that came to wish me “bon voyage.” At the end, I bent down, kissed her forehead and promised that I will see her again soon. With a silent nod of her head, perhaps assured by my promise, she gave me permission, and slowly tore herself away.

She’s new to the church and I just started to get to know her through a young girl’s choir that I worked with a lot this month, but that was a very, very hard goodbye. Especially now that I know some of her history and her needs. If she hadn’t finally given me “permission” to leave, well… hmm…

“Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” (Psalm 127:3). For this reason, in Haiti, I am a very rich man. They may not be my own children, but they sure are a rich reward to me. Through this you can see one reason why I cannot come home often enough. Like my father said tonight, one day the U.S. will go looking for Gerald Bataille, Jr. and they won’t be able to find him. He will have finally come home for good… to a very large family that he is absolutely in love with. If you have not yet known the pure love of a child, I’m not sure that you’ve ever experienced the half of love. There is no price you can place on it. So whether official or unofficial, adopt a child in need near you. They will teach you how to love. They need you, and you need to learn from them. Boy do I ever need to learn from them.

Another lesson from one of “my children” in Haiti

I had a precious moment with one of my children here in Haiti last night that I wanted to share with you all. There is nothing above the love of God. And still I am convinced that there is also nothing like the love of a child. There is no human love more pure. Take a moment and feel what God feels when we truly approach Him as children.

Love,
Junior.

There is nothing more precious, no feeling more gratifying than what is felt when a child sprints to hug you and love on you when the only thing that you did right is love her first (1 Jn 4:19). When Lalune saw me behind the church last night, before I had even seen her all the way in the back of the yard, she had started a 40meter dash to meet me, giving everything that she had in her to reach me. The sight, to me, was unbelievable (Song of Songs 4:9). I couldn’t have felt more joy than in that moment. Lalune is a 7-year-old girl that I see often. I don’t believe she has ever received a gift from my hands, neither had I had ever given her candy or anything else. She’s never asked for anything either. Just smiles and waves, kisses and hugs. She has also heard me speak on behalf of the children in front of the whole church, and she knows that I love her. Children know genuine love. They know its warmth, they know its security, and they know what it is worth. So they return to its giver what he deserves: more love. And they give it extravagantly.

What I felt in that moment must have been just a fraction of what God feels when His children come sprinting toward him. He shouldn’t have to “give us candy.” He has given us love. Those of us who know what love is worth will return to Him what a lover deserves: more love. Let us give it extravagantly (John 15:13).

After giving me such a wonderful display of love, Lalune took my hand and entered the church with me. I asked her where she was sitting and he said “wherever you are sitting.” I’m sure she knew I would be sitting on the stage with my Dad, a “place of privilege.” I did not refuse her “bold” request. In front of the whole assembly, even in front of the other children, I was more than happy to have her join me. Because she showed me what my love was worth by returning it to me in a greater measure. How much more should we love our Father in Heaven who gives us perfect love? How much more boldly should we approach His throne of Grace, knowing who we must to be worthy to receive such love (Heb 4:16)?

There is so much for us to learn from children (Matt 18). Dear Lord, teach me to love you at least half as much, and at least half as well as Lalune loves me.

So There’s this Wedding Coming Up?

So there’s this wedding coming up… And I think I accidentally put myself on the program to sing. I know that some of you were half-expecting me to say that I was getting married. C’mon now, I’m not THAT crazy and random. I’m actually quite calculated. Maybe the problem is your calculator doesn’t have as many cool buttons as mine.

Back on subject (stick with me here this one’s going somewhere deep)… After a wedding today (written Saturday), a friend of mine reminded me that her wedding was coming soon. I smiled and (sarcastically) said “Do you want me to sing for you?” thinking that my american accent would be enough to dismiss the thought as serious. She responded with “Great! You can even sing in english if you want!” Then I was stuck in one of those odd situations where the conversation is continued by someone else, without me, before you get to correct things and point out your sarcastic intent.

Great… Now, if you know me, I have no problem standing before crowds. I’ve spoken before hundreds and thousands of people on many occassions (in Haiti and in the U.S.). When it comes to music, I love to lead people in worship (but that is very different). When it comes to my music, I’m just not a performer. It is very much “my music.” Most people don’t know that I am well on my way to my hundredth song by now (I lost count in the 60s last year and have written many since then). How many have you heard? Get my point? Like Van Goh or some other artist, maybe you’ll dig them up and marvel at them when I’m dead (though I doubt it).

Now of course I don’t have to sing one of MY songs (not that that would change my lack of desire to perform), but the thought of performing something else reminded me of something I have thought a lot about recently. As I thought about what kind of wedding song I could sing I asked myself “Why does the world write all the love songs?” (note: when I use “the world” in this sense, I am refering to the Christian jargonized version of the term.) Really… Think about it… We (Christians) know a God that is the incarnation of perfect love… That sacrificial love is translated into the perfect model for marital love (Eph 5–which I must admit it is even rare to find a Christian couple live this out fully these days–see my blog about “long-haired babymakers”). But if we have the perfect examples, why do we sit back and let the rest of the world write about perverted fantasies that they label as “love” songs? Why have so few, if any, written about the beauty if growing in love with one person for a lifetime? I have yet to hear a song that tells me what I have to look forward to by waiting. If we don’t sing about it, no one ever will, because the world has no grid for unconditional, sacrificial love.

Come to think of it, maybe this is one reason why everyone, Christian or not, struggles with confusion between love and lust. Maybe that’s why everyone ends up moving in and out of jacked-up “love” relationships before settling down to scribble out a future with someone with an equally jacked-up past Its hard for the body to build on scar tissue. Maybe half of today’s marriages end in divorce because our culture, and especially our music, preaches the Gospel of a “commitment-free love.” (which is an oxy-moron). We need someone to sing out the True Love Gospel.

I think it was Billy Humphrey (IHOP-Atlanta) that pointed out that these days when someone says “I love you,” they are actually stating a cleverly-disguised “I love me.” “I love how you make ME feel.” Of course this is true statement in genuine love, butin most people’s hearts, there is great emphasis on the “ME.” The world has no grid for a love that gives unconditionally and without limit and consequently writes instead about the emotion one feels through receiving… That deep, strong, unquenchable feeling. Must be love, right? Nope, it’s a conterfeit. It’s called the love of self-gratification. It’s called “lust.” If you take this “gimme” kinda love as far as most songs do, you end up with sex without intimacy, which can really be defined as “masturbation with a partner.” The truth is It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve done it, you’ll never fully experience sex outside of a commitment. Oh, but the song in my ears is giving me another “truth”… Shut your ears to the Siren’s song before you get sunk.

I recently sat down and tried to think up lyrics about relationships and authentic love only to find out that I was blank. All that came to mind were complaints: with titles such as “Easy for You, Adam” (unwritten–He simply woke up and there was Eve… a perfect stranger who was perfect for him in every way. Wouldn’t that be a nice scenario for all of us?—minus the one night stand), and a song called “Once you get to Know me…” (my most recent song—a bit personal, so it’s one of the many you probably will never hear—have you ever felt like the people you care about most don’t really know you… “like an open book no one fully reads…” Oh, but if only that book weren’t “written in code…”). As a single man, I have very little that I can say about authentic love between a man and a woman, so I can’t really write about it. Unfortunately, no one has ever sung to me about it either. I’ve heard people talk about it, but songs have a way of making things “more true.” I’ve written my share of love songs (just don’t ask questions), but have been lead to re-evaluate my experiences with love… I still have a lot to learn.

Last year I made a complaint that there’s no lovemakin’ music that a Christian couple can listen to. Our choices lie somewhere between R. Kelly’s “Bump ‘n Grind” (which is actually about an extramarital affair) and “Sing Halleluiah.” I don’t think either one will fly in my bedroom. I remember that the thought made a few girls giggle ["hehe, Junior's talking about sex."] (probably should have pulled that one out with an all-male crowd) but I was quite serious about the matter. That day I resolved to one day release some songs about real love to share with the world (or just a few friends… like the rest of my music). Music that people can make love to and still come out with a clean conscience and pure imagination about what it means to “be in love” and to “make love.”

If you listen closely most songs actually talk about using another person for pleasure. A few years back, a group of middle-aged men who cleverly called themselves the “Backstreet Boys” hypnotized 13 year old girls with these words: “It doesn’t matter if it’s wrong or right… I really need you tonight.” Emphasize “WRONG… RIGHT, I NEED.” The implied words here are “gimme!” make ME feel good” and the singer cleverly hides the fact that he has no regard for the feelings of the girl in question. (Your pretty voices and babyfaces don’t fool me BSB!) There’s a better song out there, still to be written. I really pray that someone beats me to it, but I fully intend to write it myself whether they do or not.

Now I hear the question in your mind… “Is he really talking about making a ‘Christian’ love-making album?” No, I am talking about an album about REAL love, because to this day, I don’t think one exists. Leave it to the world to write the fantasy… One day I’ll be fully inspired and able to write the real thing. I only hope that the 10k diamond on my wife’s hand won’t make me go blind, and thus make me unable to write.