Oh No… Not the “M” word again!

This is an old blog from Junior’s Blogsite

I went to see the fam again yesterday (granny, the aunties, and the many cousins whose names I am still learning). I was sitting there listening to my gran tell stories, and she was expressing her desire to get the whole family together for a picture before she dies. As usual, she spoke as if that could happen any moment. Then I told her that she wasn’t allowed to die until she blessed my first child. That unleashed a conversation that I had done very well to escape throughout all of my visits this summer. Yes, for the 487th time in my two years of visits, my aunts and my grandma sat me down and lectured me about… marriage. I went mute, but I secretly hoped they would see the “here we go again” look on my face. Clearly they didn’t.

First, came the interrogation. They always ask tons of questions that I have no answers to, but in Haiti, when your elders ask a question, you are obligated to give a response. At one point I responded “too many questions” to a question that I didn’t want to answer and I was (playfully) threatened with the “baton” (whippin’ stick). However, I successfully evaded the question. hehehe

Then came the advice. I wish your brothers would get married, but you… you still have time. You’re too young to get married anyway. (Tell that to all of my friends who apparently had wedding dresses on underneath their cap & gowns). “You should wait till you’re at least 30…” one said. Then the other says “it wouldn’t even be a mistake for you to wait till you are near 40.” I laughed out loud (mistake… that only continued the conversation). “What? You want to get married young?” I said that I wouldn’t mind, then braced myself…

Then came the warnings. “It’s not everything that you think it is. Marriage is like putting a collar around your neck. I know you don’t believe in divorce, so you better be careful who’s hands are holding that chain…” Then she went on talking about marriage as if it were a necessary evil rather than a blessing from God. All the while I took James & Tina Starr’s advice to not dwell upon the negative things that people say about marriage. So I tried to tune it all out by meditating on verses like “It is not good for man to be alone,” and “a man who finds a wife finds a good thing” while they spoke about Paul’s exhortation to remain single for as long as possible. I reminded them that the context of that scripture is very important. Universal application of Paul’s exhortation would be a direct disobedience of God’s command to “be fruitful and multiply…” which I definitely plan to obey to the fullest.

My aunties spoke mostly as witnesses, not through their own personal experience (they seem to have healthy relationships with my uncles, but have witnessed plenty of marital nightmares in their lives which they gladly shared with me). I don’t blame them for their views on marriage. After all, they had plenty of evidence to back them up. But to me, it is evidence of a deeper problem. The problem isn’t “marriage” itself. The problem is that relationships between men and women in Haiti need healing… Very deep healing. (DISCLAIMER: clearly I don’t have experience in this domain, but I speak from what I have heard and seen.  Also, some of what I will say is not unique to Haitian culture nor are they universal to it.  I readily admit that I have a lot to learn).

First off, I believe that relationships suffer from a common Haitian political syndrome: power abuse. Just like in the public domain sometimes couples “punish” each other through various abuses of power (holding out on funds, sex, etc.) rather than resolving issues through love. It is unfortunate that you will find this problem common in the Church. Christian men who neglect Ephesians 5:25 have plenty of ammo to “put their wives in their place” with Ephesians 5:24.  (P.S. this is also a problem in the American Church & American marriages).

Then there are other forms of abuse. If we had any idea what the true statistics were for women who are abused physically and/or sexually, I think we’d refuse to believe it. On many occasions I have found myself coming to the defense of young women being verbally assaulted by young men on public transportation…  When I do, people look at me funny as if I am ruining some sort of game.  But I know enough women who hate this kind of “sweet talk” to encourage me to continue to defend them.  Many feel like they can’t defend themselves. I have a close friend who was almost raped a few weeks ago by a man twice her age. Nothing is being done to defend her, and very little remains to protect her. What’s worse is that if he actually succeeded in his attempt, she would be the one to carry the shame (which leaves me wondering if she is holding back part of the truth to “protect” herself).

But it’s not just the abuse and objectification, but a simple lack of appreciation. When you look at Haitian society, you see that a good Haitian woman is worthy of praise, as in Proverbs 31. Haitian women hold the world together, but It seems to me that Haitian men have a problem showing Haitian women their proper worth. Of course I don’t see it from the inside, but it shows on the outside. I know men, good men, who you wouldn’t guess were married if it weren’t for the ring on their finger (that is for the ones who wear one). I’m used to hanging around men like Reggie and Pastor Rollan, who take every possible chance to praise their wives publicly. And now there are James and Tina who I don’t believe I have ever seen apart… ever. So at first I brushed it off as a cultural thing that I wasn’t used to, then I saw that, for some, getting married was just as special as buying a horse to till a field. A man that I thought we were close to came to our house to do some work, and it was then that we found out that he got married days earlier. We never even knew he was engaged. For many (not all), marriage is just a step in life that people go through. Like any business agreement, its something that will help you live more efficiently. Nothing more is really expected. That might explain the lack of smiles in many wedding photos. I will say that many newlyweds that I am close to here show hope that they are an exception to much of what I just said… I pray that God will continue to hold their love strong.

Me, I refuse to look at the greatest biblical paradigm as if it were a bad business deal. I’ve discussed before in a previous blog how beautiful it must be when a marriage actually works as described in Ephesians 5. We see how beautifully Christ works in partnership with his Bride in all things. How he invites Her to sit next to Him, in an elevated place so that all can see Her and respect Her as they respect Him. How He esteems Her, loves Her, leads Her, and sacrifices for Her. And how she, for all these reasons cannot resist Him. In awe of Him, his love, and his leadership, she cannot but lovingly submit, joining him in an effort to accomplish His purposes (which becomes Their purpose).

That’s what I am after. I won’t dwell on the negative examples that are before me. Instead, I will continue to look toward the perfect example of Christ and the church. That’s why I look to the future with joy. I won’t be naïve to think that marriage doesn’t require work, and compromise, and some of that other stuff that I have been warned about. But, after Christ painted such a beautiful picture of marriage, I refuse to believe that it is anything but pure Joy that has been set before me. I only hope that I can at least provide a more positive model of marriage for other young people to see, hope for, and aspire to.

If the way I talk about marriage makes you wonder if I am close to that decision in my life… remember that before you buy a horse, it is smart to buy a field and build a stable. I have neither field, stable, nor horse for that matter… but we’ll see what God brings my way. I’ve got plenty of details to work out in my life before I can officially invite someone into it.

So There’s this Wedding Coming Up?

So there’s this wedding coming up… And I think I accidentally put myself on the program to sing. I know that some of you were half-expecting me to say that I was getting married. C’mon now, I’m not THAT crazy and random. I’m actually quite calculated. Maybe the problem is your calculator doesn’t have as many cool buttons as mine.

Back on subject (stick with me here this one’s going somewhere deep)… After a wedding today (written Saturday), a friend of mine reminded me that her wedding was coming soon. I smiled and (sarcastically) said “Do you want me to sing for you?” thinking that my american accent would be enough to dismiss the thought as serious. She responded with “Great! You can even sing in english if you want!” Then I was stuck in one of those odd situations where the conversation is continued by someone else, without me, before you get to correct things and point out your sarcastic intent.

Great… Now, if you know me, I have no problem standing before crowds. I’ve spoken before hundreds and thousands of people on many occassions (in Haiti and in the U.S.). When it comes to music, I love to lead people in worship (but that is very different). When it comes to my music, I’m just not a performer. It is very much “my music.” Most people don’t know that I am well on my way to my hundredth song by now (I lost count in the 60s last year and have written many since then). How many have you heard? Get my point? Like Van Goh or some other artist, maybe you’ll dig them up and marvel at them when I’m dead (though I doubt it).

Now of course I don’t have to sing one of MY songs (not that that would change my lack of desire to perform), but the thought of performing something else reminded me of something I have thought a lot about recently. As I thought about what kind of wedding song I could sing I asked myself “Why does the world write all the love songs?” (note: when I use “the world” in this sense, I am refering to the Christian jargonized version of the term.) Really… Think about it… We (Christians) know a God that is the incarnation of perfect love… That sacrificial love is translated into the perfect model for marital love (Eph 5–which I must admit it is even rare to find a Christian couple live this out fully these days–see my blog about “long-haired babymakers”). But if we have the perfect examples, why do we sit back and let the rest of the world write about perverted fantasies that they label as “love” songs? Why have so few, if any, written about the beauty if growing in love with one person for a lifetime? I have yet to hear a song that tells me what I have to look forward to by waiting. If we don’t sing about it, no one ever will, because the world has no grid for unconditional, sacrificial love.

Come to think of it, maybe this is one reason why everyone, Christian or not, struggles with confusion between love and lust. Maybe that’s why everyone ends up moving in and out of jacked-up “love” relationships before settling down to scribble out a future with someone with an equally jacked-up past Its hard for the body to build on scar tissue. Maybe half of today’s marriages end in divorce because our culture, and especially our music, preaches the Gospel of a “commitment-free love.” (which is an oxy-moron). We need someone to sing out the True Love Gospel.

I think it was Billy Humphrey (IHOP-Atlanta) that pointed out that these days when someone says “I love you,” they are actually stating a cleverly-disguised “I love me.” “I love how you make ME feel.” Of course this is true statement in genuine love, butin most people’s hearts, there is great emphasis on the “ME.” The world has no grid for a love that gives unconditionally and without limit and consequently writes instead about the emotion one feels through receiving… That deep, strong, unquenchable feeling. Must be love, right? Nope, it’s a conterfeit. It’s called the love of self-gratification. It’s called “lust.” If you take this “gimme” kinda love as far as most songs do, you end up with sex without intimacy, which can really be defined as “masturbation with a partner.” The truth is It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve done it, you’ll never fully experience sex outside of a commitment. Oh, but the song in my ears is giving me another “truth”… Shut your ears to the Siren’s song before you get sunk.

I recently sat down and tried to think up lyrics about relationships and authentic love only to find out that I was blank. All that came to mind were complaints: with titles such as “Easy for You, Adam” (unwritten–He simply woke up and there was Eve… a perfect stranger who was perfect for him in every way. Wouldn’t that be a nice scenario for all of us?—minus the one night stand), and a song called “Once you get to Know me…” (my most recent song—a bit personal, so it’s one of the many you probably will never hear—have you ever felt like the people you care about most don’t really know you… “like an open book no one fully reads…” Oh, but if only that book weren’t “written in code…”). As a single man, I have very little that I can say about authentic love between a man and a woman, so I can’t really write about it. Unfortunately, no one has ever sung to me about it either. I’ve heard people talk about it, but songs have a way of making things “more true.” I’ve written my share of love songs (just don’t ask questions), but have been lead to re-evaluate my experiences with love… I still have a lot to learn.

Last year I made a complaint that there’s no lovemakin’ music that a Christian couple can listen to. Our choices lie somewhere between R. Kelly’s “Bump ‘n Grind” (which is actually about an extramarital affair) and “Sing Halleluiah.” I don’t think either one will fly in my bedroom. I remember that the thought made a few girls giggle ["hehe, Junior's talking about sex."] (probably should have pulled that one out with an all-male crowd) but I was quite serious about the matter. That day I resolved to one day release some songs about real love to share with the world (or just a few friends… like the rest of my music). Music that people can make love to and still come out with a clean conscience and pure imagination about what it means to “be in love” and to “make love.”

If you listen closely most songs actually talk about using another person for pleasure. A few years back, a group of middle-aged men who cleverly called themselves the “Backstreet Boys” hypnotized 13 year old girls with these words: “It doesn’t matter if it’s wrong or right… I really need you tonight.” Emphasize “WRONG… RIGHT, I NEED.” The implied words here are “gimme!” make ME feel good” and the singer cleverly hides the fact that he has no regard for the feelings of the girl in question. (Your pretty voices and babyfaces don’t fool me BSB!) There’s a better song out there, still to be written. I really pray that someone beats me to it, but I fully intend to write it myself whether they do or not.

Now I hear the question in your mind… “Is he really talking about making a ‘Christian’ love-making album?” No, I am talking about an album about REAL love, because to this day, I don’t think one exists. Leave it to the world to write the fantasy… One day I’ll be fully inspired and able to write the real thing. I only hope that the 10k diamond on my wife’s hand won’t make me go blind, and thus make me unable to write.

To All You Long-Haired Babymakers

Thought that might get your attention… Hopefully for long enough to read this whole, superlong blog. This message is for everyone, but in honor of women, past, present, and future mothers. I hope you quickly realize that my tasteless title is just a bit more of my strange humor.

PART 1
I had a conversation with a ladyfriend of mine recently, and some of the points that we hit still remain on my mind. The main topic of the conversation was gender roles in modern society. What makes a man/woman? What is a manly/womanly act? Long story short, we decided that being a real man or a real woman (especially in a relationship sense, where gender roles tend to be more defined) is not about performing a list of actions; its more about your attitude, your motivations, and the way you carry yourself as you act. Society has changed, and what we do for each other has also changed. And that’s okay.

Living in Haiti for the past 5 months has opened my eyes to many things. One thing I see is that keeping a home is quite easily a fulltime job. Forget the microwave age. To get breakfast, you start at 4:30 or 5am. Its usually something simple, but lunch is another affair. If you don’t have a cistern at home, you go down the street to draw water; enough for a day (buckets and buckets). Since you can’t be sure if you’ll have power for your fridge, you go to the market daily to buy everything you’re gonna eat. Then you kill and pluck the chicken in your own kitchen. Even some of the spices you crush and grind yourself. There is little break between finishing breakfast and beginning lunch. And in the middle of all that, the house needs to be cleaned. To wash clothes, again you go down the street.

My dad is a very busy man. He has lived in Haiti without a wife for more than 13 years. If there was no one to help around the house all of the work that he does would be impossible. (For that reason, we hire someone to help with such things. Otherwise we’d starve or live in a filthy house. Or not be pastors and school directors…) All of this reminds me why someone in the household needed to be a “stay-at-home” back in the day. And seeing the kind of work that is readily available here, I can understand why that would be a stay-at-home mom. Seeing that the children tend to be the ones that help with household errands (going for water, buying in the market) it is also obvious to me why the mom (at home) does most of the childraising.

But things (in the U.S.) have changed. Cooking is faster, cleaning is faster, every job associated with the household is faster and easier. And anyone with a little bit of time can do it. I’ve been learning from interactions with my female contemporaries that I just might be the one that cooks most of the time, and that’s okay with me because I like being in the kitchen.

But there’s one thing that I don’t think I will ever compromise on: a child needs to be raised by his or her parents. Not a nanny, not a baby-sitter, and especially not the day care tv set. I know that things in the U.S. are not always easily set up that way (especially in the ghetto or with divorce and single-parenthood on the rise), but if at all possible, someone should be with the child at all times for at least the first few years of his or her life. I’m not saying who should be home, I’m just saying it should be someone in the immediate family (siblings who are much older can count if they are only temporary/seasonal caregivers—worked at my house, except for the many revolts, uprisings and coup d’etats against the tyrant, Weguens–just kidding:-)). One thing that we all have to realize is that whether you are father, mother, sister, or brother, a new baby WILL change your life. (I think that Dads need that newsbreak the most). We all have to be ready to do our part, and make our own sacrifices, but someone usually makes more sacrifices than the rest. That person is usually the mother. After all, she is the young tot’s lunchbox… (Unless you use pumps and stuff and give it to the Dad or the nanny in a bottle).

But why do we argue on this issue? In fact, when such a suggestion is raised, it often causes people to go up in arms about how women can work too. (remember, i didn’t say who should be at home, so don’t shoot me–some of you are thinking about it). I’m all for women working. And yes, the Bible is all for women working too (check Proverbs 31). But here’s the more important question: since when was raising children such an unimportant job?

Really? Have you ever thought about it? Sure its great to be able to provide for a family through working outside, but where would the family be without disciplined children with morals and character? In ancient times, everything that a man would do would be for the sake of his children. He worked hard to see that, when he died, his line would always thrive. His children were his sense of eternal life. (double-check the way that the Bible puts emphasis on the importance of children, generational blessings, and inheritance). Today, children become a hindrance to work rather than the reason for work. There is something seriously wrong with that. When you think about it, there is no job more important than raising children. To be cliche yet very earnest, childcaregivers are the shapers of tomorrow itself. There is no amount of salary that can pose as a worthy payment. Perhaps if we gave this job its proper importance, mother’s wouldn’t be underappreciated. Go thank a mother today. See everything around you, it was really people like her that built it. See anything that needs fixing? Go back a little further and you’ll probably find someone that needed a mother.

PART 2
We men probably didn’t help the image of motherhood. For centuries, we’ve liked to emphasize Ephesians 5:22, which says “wives submit to your husbands, as to the Lord.” Rather than letting that mean give your husbands their due respect, it has come to mean, in many circles, slave over your husband’s every whim…. especially in the home. If only we could read a few verses later where it says “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” I don’t know about you fellas, but that’s a pretty tough one. Maybe that’s why we’ve ignored it. Sounds like there is something that we should do to be worthy of being submitted to.

When I think about it, there is no relationship that can be more beautiful. In an exhortation to an engaged couple, I heard a man say that the secret to a wife getting whatever she wants is submission. It sounds a little backwards, but there’s a lot of truth to it. As a man, I know that there is nothing like winning the respect of a woman who you are close to (I’d say “a woman you love,” but I don’t see any gold on my ring finger any time soon). When you win that respect, if you are a good man and you truly love her, you won’t use it to take advantage of her. You will do anything you can to keep that respect. In your mind there is an instant response. “She thinks so highly of me… I’m not really that good am I? I have to try harder to please her and be the man worthy of such respect. She’s so wonderful and she has to be mine forever. What can I do for her to show her that she is worth everything to me?” Suddenly, without realizing it, you are ready to lay down your life for her.

Sounding familiar, right…?

Of course I can’t tell it from a woman’s perspective, but I could imagine (from my relationship with Christ), it is easy to submit to someone who is ready to lay down his life for you. Looking for a way to show you what you are worth, he can find nothing that is enough… so he is ready to give up what is most precious to him to at least try to come close. What wouldn’t you do for such a man? It’s such a beautifully designed relationship… it fuels itself. Respect fuels sacrificial love, while sacrificial love fuels respect. Like God, such love is eternal. Unfortunately (more for me than for you), I am not married, so I can’t really give you the inside scoop on that process, nor the hard work involved. If you are married and reading this, feel free to comment and let the rest of us know. As for me, I’ll get back to you when my left hand gets some bling-age.

So in summary: women of the centuries, women of today, you are appreciated. One day I hope to look around and say in my heart, “Wow, there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to show that one what she is worth.” When I do, I’ll walk right up to her and ask her…

“Will you be my babymaker?” hahaha, just kidding.